


Ice cold

by krelofwerewolf



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fluffy Ending, Hogwarts Hospital Wing, M/M, One Shot, Shrieking Shack, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 15:46:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17728127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krelofwerewolf/pseuds/krelofwerewolf
Summary: Remus thinks he is a burden for everyone in his life. It would be so much better if he didn't exist. Nobody loves him anyway, and he doesn't deserve happiness. But is that actually true?





	Ice cold

**Author's Note:**

> Something I just came up with. Hope you like it!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Heavy topic, suicidal thoughts etc.
> 
> Please seek help if you need, there is always help to get. You are always loved <3

Remus groaned and turned to his side in the bed. The light in the room had woken him up, and he noticed that his body was stiff and sore. 

 

It was the day after the full moon, and it had been a bad one. He heard feet moving towards him, but he couldn’t get himself to open his eyes. It was too bright. The faint pounding in his head made it hard to think clearly.

 

“You’re awake, Mr. Lupin.” said a soft woman's voice. Madame Pomfrey, thought Remus and groaned again. He didn’t have the strength to talk to anyone at the moment.

 

“You had some nasty deep cuts on your stomach and back, and some on your… face.” said the matron hesitantly. Remus stiffened. Scars on his body wasn’t unfamiliar for him, but on his face? 

 

“How bad is it?” croaked Remus hoarsely. His mouth and throat were dry, and he looked around for a glass of water. As if Pomfrey could read his mind, a glass appeared in front of him, and he took it gratefully and gulped it down. 

 

“I’ve seen better.” said Madam Pomfrey, and Remus noticed that she didn’t meet his eyes. 

 

“Can I see?” he asked, and wondered if he really wanted to see it himself. Madam Pomfrey nodded and conjured a small mirror and handed it over to Remus. He took the mirror from her hand and sighed before he shifted it to look at his face.

 

A large cut from the bridge of his nose, all the way to his left cheek stood out in his face. He felt like he wanted to be sick. What would he tell everyone? It looked literally like he’d been attacked by a large monster. 

 

He sighed again and handed back the mirror to the matron. She smiled at him symphafectantly. 

 

“I can glamor it in the meantime, but it will take long time for it to heal, and it will scar.” 

 

“I know.” said Remus simply and rolled over to his other side to avoid her. His body screamed in protest from the movement, but he didn’t care. 

 

He was a monster, everyone would know. His friends should have begged Dumbeldore to shuck him out of the school from the beginning. Everyone would be safer that way.

 

“Your friends are waiting outside, do you want me to let them in?” asked Madam Pomfrey mildly.

 

“No, tell them I’m asleep, or something.” muttered Remus into his pillow. He heard the matron walk away and open and close the door to the hospital wing. He didn’t always end up in the wing, but but bad moons like this made the trick. He hated it. It would save everyone so much more time if he wasn’t a burden. Madam Pomfrey, his closest friends, Dumbledore, McGonagall, everyone. They wouldn’t need to worry if he wasn’t there. 

 

And his mother and father. He’d destroyed their lives. His own life was destroyed. He wouldn’t be able to live a normal life, no one would hire him for a job in the magical world. No one would want to live with him, and no one should do it. He was to dangerous. No one loved him.

 

Remus didn’t notice that his pillow was wet until he sniffed to make his nose stop running. He lifted his head and felt that his cheeks were wet. He shifted in the bed again to his muscles protest. He was weak. He didn’t belong in Gryffindor, he wasn’t brave like his friends. 

 

A crying werewolf. How pathetic. He didn’t deserve to be happy. He didn’t deserve his friends, James, Peter, Sirius and Lily, or his place at Hogwarts. He wasn’t a wizard, he was a monster. 

 

He laid in his bed all day, refusing company from his friends. He knew that they were sitting outside the hospital wing, waiting for him, but he didn’t want to meet them. He waited until it was dark outside before he moved again. It was probably several hours after midnight, and his friends were probably in their beds. He hoped.

 

He listened around and made sure that the matron wasn’t around, before he stood up from his bed and walked out of the wing. As he thought, the corridor outside was empty. 

 

He made his way through the castle, but didn’t walk to the Gryffindor tower. Instead, he steered his way to the entrance. He didn’t meet anyone on his way, the castle was deadly silent. 

 

He pushed the entrance door open and walked out to the dark and cold grounds. It was winter, and he hadn’t put on a cloak before going out. He continued to the whomping willow and ignored the cold, and crawled into the tunnel underneath, not before he’d immobilised it with a push on the knot with a long stick. 

 

The normally long walk through the tunnel to the shack seemed suddenly very short. It didn’t bother Remus much anyway, as he didn’t want to spend too much time there. He crawled up into the small cottage and looked around. 

 

Everything was destroyed, the furniture, the walls, even the floors were scratched. Long claw marks could be spotted around the whole shack. Then he saw something that made him stop in his tracks. 

 

A large spot on the floor was filled with dried blood. His own blood. He had done that to himself. But then, he thought, it could just as easily been James, Peter, or Sirius’ blood. Remus gulped when he thought about Sirius.

 

He shook his head and continued to the side of the cottage. A small hole was visible behind a thrown and destroyed armchair. Remus walked closer to the hole, and lifted his wand. 

 

“Reducto.” he whispered, and the hole on the wall grew larger as the wall around was crumbled to ashes. He pocketed his wand and crawled out from the cottage through the small hole. He didn’t look back when he started to walk away from Hogsmeade.

 

\-----

 

James, Sirius and Peter knocked on the door to the hospital wing early next morning. They hadn’t seen Remus since the night of the full moon, and they were beginning to get worried. They had all seen their friend hurting himself, and all the blood from his wounds. How bad had it really been?

 

The door suddenly opened and a surprised looking Madam Pomfrey met them.

 

“Is Remus awake?” asked James instantly.

 

“No, he isn’t here. I thought he walked out this morning. You haven’t met him?” asked the matron. The trio looked at each others worriedly. They hadn’t met him in the dorm or corridors. 

 

“Maybe he went down to breakfast?” asked Peter hopefully.

 

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” said Sirius. “Let’s go and check it out.” They sprinted down the stairs and into the Great hall. They searched the whole Gryffindor table, and when they didn’t saw him there, they looked at the other house tables. They even took a turn beside the Slytherins, but Remus was nowhere to be found.

 

Lily Evans walked past them and looked back on their frantic searching.

 

“What are you idiots up to now? Can’t find your…” began Lily with a smirk, but Sirius cut across her.

 

“Lily, have you seen Remus today?” he asked hurriedly. Lily’s smirk fell when she saw the look on Sirius face.

 

“No, I haven't. What about? Is he gone?”

 

“Yes. We haven’t seen him in two days. We knew he was sick yesterday, because he was in the hospital wing, but Madam Pomfrey said that he had left before she woke up this morning.” said James. Lily wrinkled her eyebrows in concern.

 

“James, Sirius!” called Peter suddenly. They whipped around and looked at him. “The map!”

James smacked his palm on his forehead.

 

“How could we forget?” he asked, and the boys ran out from the Great hall, up the stairs to Gryffindor tower. Lily stood still on the same spot and wondered what just had happened. She pulled herself together and sat down at the table with her friends.

 

“Hey, has anybody seen Remus lately?” asked Lily and tried to sound casual.

 

“No, haven’t seen him for some days, I think.” said Mary and took a bite of her toast. Lily didn’t ask any more questions, but wondered where Remus where, if the Marauders couldn’t find him. 

 

\-----

 

Up in the boys dormitory in Gryffindor tower sat James, Sirius and Peter on the floor and looked down at the Marauder’s Map. They couldn’t find Remus anywhere. 

 

“Where is he?” asked Sirius in frustration and threw his hands up in the air. 

 

“I don’t know, should we talk to Minnie? Maybe she know where he is?” said James and scratches his neck.

 

“Yeah, let’s do that, before we draw any conclusions.” said Peter and stood up. The other boys followed him, and they walked to Professor McGonagall’s office. They knocked on the door and waited for it to open.

 

The door opened and their favourite professor stood before them. She lifted an eyebrow in question, as no words were needed.

 

“Minn- Professor McGonagall, we’re sorry to disturb you, but we would like to ask something.” said Sirius with his most convincing voice. He usually saved it for the other teachers, as he knew that McGonagall didn’t fall for it, but now it was urgent.

 

“Yes?” she answered, and looked as stern as usual, but the small twitch on the side if her mouth didn’t go unnoticed by anyone.

 

“Professor, we can’t find Remus. He’s been in the hospital wing since… you know, but he left this morning, and we can’t find him anywhere. We thought that maybe you or some other teacher had sent him somewhere, maybe St Mungos? It usually isn’t this bad, but he was really hurt the other night and we…” Sirius cut of sharply as James stamped him hard on his foot. “...we heard that he was injured bad.” he finished. 

 

Professor McGonagall showed several emotions at once, suspicion, amusement, and worry. She settled on worry, and waved them into her office.

 

“Neither me or any staff have sent Mr. Lupin away from the school, and you haven’t seen him all morning?” 

 

“No, we asked several student as well, but no one has seen him.” said James. McGonagall nodded, and turned to a painting on the side of the wall.

 

“Please, ask if Headmaster Dumbledore is available.” she said to the painting. The handsome man on the painting nodded and disappeared from the side.

 

“We’ll be able to ask the paintings around the castle if they’ve seen him in the castle.” said McGonagall. The handsome man appeared in the painting appeared again.

 

“The Headmaster confirmed that he is available.” he said.

 

“Thank you Frisco.” said McGonagall and turned back to the Marauders. “Let us head up to Professor Dumbledore.”

 

\-----

 

They seated themselves in a chair each in front of Dumbledore's desk. The headmaster himself was speaking to the portraits of the other headmasters.

 

“Spread the word. Talk to the other paintings and see if anyone have seen a tall and blond boy walking out from the castle.” said Dumbledore, and the inhabitants of the paintings nodded and walked away. Dumbledore sat down on a chair behind his desk and looked at the boys with a piercing look.

 

“I understand that you have know of Mr. Lupins condition for some time.” he said, and the others nodded. “Have you ever got a feeling that he sometimes want to, let me phrase this right, hurt himself?” he said seriously. They all stared at Dumbledore.

 

“No, I don’t think so.” said James after a strained silence. “He is often very down some days before and after the full moon, but he has never…” he trailed of, not sure of anything in that moment. 

 

“He is always afraid that he will hurt someone.” said Peter quietly. Dumbledore nodded.

 

“Yes, a man with such good heart as Mr. Lupin could be nothing than selfless.” said Dumbledore. “You said that you have looked through the whole castle. Is there any place that he favours outside, somewhere he can be alone?” 

 

“Well, he’s told us that he transformes in the shrieking shack, so maybe he’s there? We haven’t looked there.” said Sirius hopefully. 

 

“It is a possibility.” said Dumbledore and tapped his fingers to each other, concentrating hard. A plump little man hurried into a painting and shouted to get their attention.

 

“Albus, a group of monks saw a tall boy with a wound on his face leave the castle around three o'clock this morning.” said the little man.

 

Dumbledore stood up and turned around to look out from the window to the snowy grounds. 

 

“How did he look? Did he have a cloak?” asked Dumbledore.

 

“No, he was in his pyjamas, sir.” said the man. Sirius felt how all the blood in his face disappeared in mere seconds, and thought he would faint. Remus had disappeared outside, three in the morning, in February, without a cloak? It was ice cold outside, and it was nearly eight o’clock now. 

 

“He’s been outside, for f-five hours?” asked James aghast. 

 

“Minerva, call for the other professors and start a search for Remus.” said Dumbledore. He looked more serious than they had ever seen him before. McGonagall hurried out of the office, white faced. 

 

\-----

 

“Remus! Remus!” He could hear the shouts from far away, but he didn’t bother listening for them. It had begun snowing about two hours ago, and his footprints would probably be gone by now.

 

He was sitting on the edge of a cliff at one of the high mountains around Hogwarts, and dangled with his legs above the abyss below him. He had walked for hours, and the cold had almost made him collapse on the way, but he was now sitting, and felt almost warm. His hands and lips were purple, and his body was stiff.

 

The newfallen snow had laid itself like a blanket over Remus, as he hadn’t moved for a long time. He could see Hogsmeade far away, the little village shining from all the christmas lights that still were up. 

 

And he saw Hogwarts. His first safeplace, his first friends, his first happiness. He felt a wave of guilt crashing over him. But it didn’t matter, he would be safe soon. His body didn’t even shiver anmore.

 

“Remus! REMUS!” The shouts were closer now. The void beneath him seemed to grow, become darker. What would happened if he fell? 

 

\-----

 

Sirius flung himself at Remus and dragged him back from the edge. 

 

“WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?” screamed Sirius and pulled him into a stiff hugg. Suddenly, he noticed that Remus wasn’t responding, and that he was awfully cold. 

 

He drew back, still holding Remus in his arms, and looked him over. He was white in the face, and his hands and lips were purple. His eyes were unfocused and glazed, and when Sirius put a hand on Remus’ chest, he felt his heart beat slow. Too slow.

 

Sirius drew out his wand and muttered a warming charm over Remus. The effect was immediate. Remus stiffened even more, if it even was possible, and began shaking. Then, he was screaming. The screaming tore through Sirius lims and bones, and he felt like the worst human in the world.

 

\-----

 

The pain was unbearable. It felt like he was on fire. His body was screaming for release, and he wanted to die. He thought that maybe this was what the cruciatus felt like. He wanted to crawl out from his skin, to run from the agony, only if he ran fast enough, maybe the pain wouldn’t catch up with him. 

 

He tried to stand up, to run away, but something was holding him down. He thrust around in the snow and tried to fight of the thing that was holding him down. He thought that he heard something. Someone was screaming. That would be himself, but there was something else. 

 

Someone else was screaming. Several people were screaming. Hands everywhere. His breaths became harder to keep. He couldn’t breath. The air wasn’t enough. He needed-

 

\-----

 

“He was frozen cold! His heart barely beat, I had to do something! I was not letting him die in my arms!”

 

Someone was screaming again, but it sounded far away. He felt like he was surrounded by clouds, that kept all his senses a step behind. He couldn’t see or hear properly. He smelled nothing, and he felt oddly light, like he wasn’t in his body, but he still was. 

 

Was he dead? He didn’t know. It would make sense. Or would it? Someone was talking, and it sounded familiar. Did he know anyone who was dead? He didn’t think so. Why was everything so cloudy? 

 

“Look, he’s moving!”

 

Remus’ eyes shot open, and took in the surroundings. It was bright, too bright. Why was the sun suddenly so close to the earth? He mumbled something incoherent and tried to move. His body wouldn’t cooperate. 

 

“How do you feel Remus?” asked someone with half long, black hair. He seemed familiar, but he didn’t know who he was.

 

“I-I feel like I’m wrapped in cotton candy.” he mumbled and several voices laughed.

 

“Who are you?” he asked the men standing around him. They all fell silent instantly.

 

“Don’t you remember us, Moony?” asked a man with round glasses, and wild, black hair nervously. Remus squinted at the people standing around him.

 

“Hmm, no, I don’t think so.” said Remus at last. The panic in their eyes was noticeable. “What’s the deal? Do I know you or something?” asked Remus.

 

“Did he damage his brain out there?” asked the boy with glasses. He was looking at three older people, two women and a man. They were all watching him. One of the women gave Remus a vial with a potion. 

 

“Here, take this.” Remus shrugged and drank the potion. Whilst he was drinking, the others continued talking. “Yes, he’s not in his best state, but the potion should help his brain kick in.” said the woman with the potion.

 

And then, everything hit him like a boulder. He fell back on his bed and dropped the vial, so it fell to the floor and crashed. Remus remembered. He was staring at the ceiling, not seeing it. 

 

“I think it hit him now.” said Peter.

 

“Remus?” asked Sirius tentatively. Remus slowly lowered his gaze from the ceiling to the man he loved. How could he have tried to leave him? Silent tears streamed down Remus cheeks, and Sirius hurried forward and cupped his cheeks in his large and soft hands. He dried Remus tiers with his thumbs, and they just stared at each others.

 

“I’m so, so, sorry Sirius.” whispered Remus. Sirius embraced him, and he felt how their hearts began to beat in sync.

 

“No, you don’t have to be.” said Sirius soothingly. Remus pulled back and looked away.

 

“Yes, I have. I tried to leave you. I’m the worst human…” his words hitched in his throat, as he remember that he wasn’t a human. He was a monster. No one loves a monster. Sirius seemed to understand what he was thinking.

 

“No, Remus, don’t you dare. You are the best human being I’ve met, and don’t you dare try to convince me anything else.” he said sternly.

 

“I’m no human, Sirius. I’m a… a monster. And no one loves a…” But Remus couldn’t finish his sentence, as Sirius had pressed his lips against Remus’ and everything was alright again. They pulled away from each others some moments later, and looked at each other.

 

“But I love you.” said Sirius, and Remus smiled the most sincere smile he had ever smiled. 


End file.
